Self-Sabotaging: Why We Get in Our Own Way
Why do we destroy relationships with those who love us? . Your old experiences have created this loop of self-destructive behaviors in . Thus, if you are dating or trying to fall in love – you will believe this is still your identity: I am a seductor. Self-destructive behavior is a daunting topic, something dark that lurks in the of failed relationship stories illustrating the covers of magazines. However, many people are in a relationship with a significant other grappling with some form of self-destructive behavior. This can manifest as an eating.
Do you find yourself stubbornly clinging to certain behavior patterns even when you feel you are pushing your partners away by continuing to do them?
Do you believe that your other qualities are so special that your partners should not hold you accountable for those that he or she doesn't like? When your relationships end do you usually feel unfairly rejected and confused? If you mostly answered yes to these questions, you may be a relationship saboteur.
What that means is that you have repeatedly found yourself ultimately rejected for certain behaviors that your partners seemed to desire when your relationship was new, and cannot understand why.How Does Borderline Personality Disorder Affect Romantic Relationships?
For instance, you may be an insecure person who fears being abandoned. That lack of confidence will often draw a rescuer to you who wants to prove that you've just not had the right kind of caring to cure your fears. But what if you can't stop feeling insecure no matter how deeply your partner tries to reassure you? Or what if you are a confirmed pessimist?
If you are an appealing brooder, you may bring enthusiastic cheerleaders to you, eager to be the successful partners who will make you see that life is worth living.
Unfortunately, if you are determined to stay cynical, you will eventually exhaust their energy and make their pompoms way too heavy to lift.
Perhaps you're the kind of a person who wants to control everything within a five-hundred mile radius but offers everything you can to make your lovers feel cared for in exchange for running their lives. That may be very attractive initially to an unorganized person who loves your micro-managing.
But, as time goes by, your over-zealous watchfulness can suffocate your partner's desire to make some of the crucial decisions in the relationship. Relationship saboteurs often attract other relationship saboteurs. Martyrs can be easily seduced by trust-breakers.
People who need to control are drawn to passive-aggressive people who promise to cooperate and don't end up complying. Those who love to fight seek out partners who are practiced at defending their position. Sabotaging behaviors are combinations of innate qualities, modeling, and personal experiences, and they can be changed.
How to Stop Sabotaging Your Relationships | HuffPost Life
To break out of those self-destructive patterns, you must be willing to look at them without defensiveness or negative self-judgment. Remember, you are not intentionally trying to push your partners away. You are unconsciously repeating patterns that don't work and have not yet learned to do things differently.
Personal accountability forms the foundation for change. Here are seven steps to end your sabotaging behavior: Be willing to look at your patterns without being self-critical. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind.
We can familiarize ourselves with our critical inner voice and notice when it starts to seep in to our thought process. For example, if we often feel embarrassed or ashamed and, as a consequence, hold ourselves back socially, we can start to push ourselves to be more outward and open.
Differentiating from these behaviors is essential to leading happy lives. In their book The Self under Siege: A Therapeutic Model for Differentiationco-authored by Dr. Lisa Firestone and Joyce Catlett, we describe the four steps involved in differentiation.
Why people ruin happy relationships
Step one involves separating from the destructive attitudes critical inner voices we internalized based on painful early life experiences. The third step involves challenging the destructive defenses or adaptations we made to the pain we experienced growing up.
These adaptations may have helped us in childhood but, very often, hurt us as adults.
For instance, if we were used to being let down or rejected as children, we may have formed a defense that shuts us off from wanting or expecting much from others. Though this lowering our expectations may seemed to help cushion us from getting hurt as kids, this same defense can keep us from trusting or getting close to someone as adults.
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The fourth and final step of differentiation asks us to develop our very own sense of our unique values, ideals and beliefs.
Once we have separated from the negative overlays from our past, we can uncover who we really are. We can stop self sabotaging behaviors and choose the person we want to be.
How to Stop Sabotaging Your Relationships
How We Wind Up in Self Sabotaging Relationships The defenses and critical inner voices that we carry over time often lead us to recreate dynamics from our early life in our adult life. We tend to play out negative, old behavior patterns with the people we get close to.
We often form self sabotaging relationships by indulging in our critical inner voices and failing to challenge our core defenses. For example, if we felt abandoned as a child, we may have the tendency to become insecure in our adult relationships.