Dating Advice From People With MS Who Found Love | Everyday Health
Jan 31, Read or ask questions in our MS discussion forums, covering topics such as Having said all that, I truly love this man with all my heart. I can't. Don't let multiple sclerosis (MS) hold you back from dating. Read about what to consider before getting back on the dating scene, as well as some tips for your. Dec 1, MS is most commonly diagnosed between the ages of 20 and 40 — often prime dating years. For those who live with the illness, day-to-day life.
Any person you meet and fall in love with is vulnerable. None of us have a guarantee of a long life of good health. You yourself have your own health limitation, and though you seem to keep it hidden why does nobody know? Don't you deserve care, compassion, support you seem aware that you yourself will bring issues into a life partnership because of your own human condition. Love demands a degree of selflessness. The people around you who are telling you to cut and run are people who are still viewing love with an immature, self-centered point of view.
If you look ahead to the prospect of pushing your lover around in her wheelchair as though it's a horrible imposition on you, then you're that immature as well. Alternatively it might be viewed with a real sense of pride and importance to make life better for a person you care about. It's up to you. This is an opportunity for you to grow up and realize not everything in life is about you.
Are you big enough to do that? But nothing in life is certain. You could marry a perfectly healthy person who is then diagnosed with a serious illness or disabled by an accident. Or a perfectly healthy person and then suffer a horrible messy painful divorce. This "choice" is a false one. Imagine you don't get involved and she is healthy for ten more years - it can happen! Imagine you settle down with some other person who is diagnosed with a terminal cancer after three months together that happened to someone I know and he was already in deep enough that he remained for three more gruelling years and cared for her until the end if her life.
I have three children. Two of them have disabilities autism.
- Give gifts, not challenges
- Dating someone with MS
- Talking about your MS
One may, with support, live a full and independent life. The other without a miracle will not. It's not what I signed up for, expected, prepared for. Nobody sits about rubbing their belly and considering how disabled their kid will be. But it happened to us. I have a friend who's child is similarly disabled as my youngest, profoundly autistic child is, with less cognitive impairment but much worse physical impairment, because they choked on food and suffered a catastrophic hypoxic brain injury.
One week she was a completely normal, typically developing child. The next she was severely and permanently disabled the week between she was on full life support possibly about to die. The problem is most of us going around thinking things like ill health, disability, etc won't ever happen to us. Until it does happen we tend to feel immune. So you now feel like you're giving up that immunity if you get involved with someone with a known illness.
But the immunity is an illusion. It can happen to anyone, at any time. If you like one another then I'd go for it and worry about other things when they come. In fact, 'fault' and 'fairness' are useless concepts here; in my view, the main question is: And that's mostly impossible to predict, but something worth thinking about. It's not something others can probably help you with. But keep in mind that over time, we all gain our own health problems and disabilities.
Newbie dating someone w/ MS
Life is inherently risky. None of us gets out alive. In the mean time, we do our best to enjoy our lives the best we can, and if we're good people, we help others do the same. Often to the benefit of all parties. Be honest with yourself, then be honest with her, and do your best to be kind to both of you.
She was diagnosed at 25, is 32 now and just ran her first marathon. I understand your qualms, but I assure you, she is experiencing the same in her side threefold, including a hefty dose of "do I even deserve love with my disease". I'm all for being honest with yourself, but you will also never know what you're going to get with someone else as well, including yourself. Anyone could develop a debilitating disease or get hit by a bus 5 years from now.
If it doesn't work out, let that be due to the relationship and not her disease. This can happen to anyone. You enter into a lifelong partnership with someone and either one of you could get hit by a car, be diagnosed with cancer, suffer a stroke, etc.
That's what it is. It comes to us all. It's part of the living thing. He died of unrelated causes before he was It hurt like hell, but I wouldn't undo the years before even if it saved me from that pain.
I'm very much on the side of taking what joy life offers you now and dealing with the future as it comes. It's responsible of you to wonder if you have what it takes to be a good long-term partner, but the future is unpredictable - what you fear now may not come to pass, and your life can take paths you can't imagine now. Don't let fear of the future ruin today's joy. Don't worry about the long term stuff until you're further in and need to make decisions about it.
I expect your choices will seem clearer at that point. When I first dated my eventual husband, I would have considered handling a major disability to be a life-destroying imposition; but after we were together for a while, it would have been a minor frustration, because I was so connected to him that taking care of him would have been not a "joy" exactly, but just the obvious and not-terrible thing that I did because I loved him and wanted to be with him. If your brain doesn't work that way or you don't come around to that sort of feeling, then break up then.
I have known several strong relationships where one partner had MS. And one partnership where the pressures caused by MS on the relationship killed it.
It is fair to say that with more challenges you need more resources than an average relationship. Do you both already have a lot of "spoons" to make up for the deficit of spoons you have in terms of your physical health? Money is a big one, as is a wide circle of support for both of you, time, and access medical resources. A serious chronic medical condition impacts where you can travel and immigrate to if that is something you wanted and it would be important to recognise that in making one choice continuing this relationship means other choices are closed off.
Can you accept that without later resolving into bitterness or resentment? I wish you peace with your choice. This question prompted me to join. I'm a neurologist not your neurologist, or this woman's neurologist. I don't have a lot of personal experience with MS, but I've taken care of hundreds of patients with it. There is a lot in the neuro literature about prognosis in MS, which can be really hard to predict because it presents so differently in different people.
I was taught that the first years are predictive of the first years, in terms of how aggressive how many relapses, how much disability the disease is. There are also a plethora of disease-modifying therapies now -- the number has doubled since I was in medical school -- that help to stave off relapses. This article is several years old but lays out well: I regret that decision every day. I mean, honestly, she takes such shockingly good care of herself physically that it's more or less invisible.
Based on what he told us, her MS responded very well to being managed by diet and there are a whole lot of details here that I don't remember. All this just to bolster the point above: MS presents very differently for different people. Everyone is broken in some way. Honestly for me, the bigger issue to know the answer about would be how committed is she to the management of this and then for myself, how do I feel about being a partner in this kind of disease management?
If you can manage to date the girl and not the disease, then I think you might be okay. Everyone has issues, and none of us are getting out of here alive. So yet anothe vote for go for it.
But worry is just borrowing trouble from the future and it doesn't actually solve any problems; don't pre-pay. Learn what you can about your feelings, each other, MS, and treatments for it.
At some point, have a thorough discussion about planning for possible eventualities - taking into consideration how choices around career and finances might figure into things.
Because caregiving is different when it's well-resourced than when it's not. And it's one thing if you're in a stable profession with some reserves, quite another if you have a burning ambition to be e.
But I don't think you should drag it out if, in a year or two, you find that you're still uncertain, or doubt your ability to be a partner in rough times.'Living With MS' - Getting Out Of Bed
I don't think that would be fair to her, she might want the chance to meet someone who's prepared and willing to commit. Or at the very least, although it might be painful or difficult, be honest about your ambivalence, and check in about that now and then, so that she can decide whether to take the risk of committing to someone who might leave at a critical time.
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Don't be the kind of person who bails as soon as things get rough. It would be better to cut ties now than to be a jerk when she really needs you. I was on a canoe trip second date that could not have been going better, with a lovely, attractive, seemingly compatible person, when I made a mention of a chronic and physically inconvenient under some circumstances medical condition. I have never witnessed anyone row back to shore that quickly to drop me off immediately at home without the pre-planned dinner first.
He absolutely had the right to decide he couldn't imagine being with someone dragging along any medical gear on longer trips, and I wasn't at all mad or hurt--it was that much clearer it was a rejection of a potential lifestyle situation instead of a rejection of me personally because it happened so honestly and immediately. Bonus points, no real grief on my end for something that ended before it really started. Tell her your concerns sooner rather than later. Give her her own chance to make her own choices about whether or not to invest her time and emotional resources in you.
This is a discussion you should be having with her, not us. She has agency and always will. Make sure she gets to exercise it with all the information she needs. I think that, as written, your question answers itself. If you actually have this concern then you should probably not go ahead. But I suspect that the question is not exactly what it seems, and you are really questioning your own valid concerns about the matter.
I met my future wife almost two years ago I'm 49, she's We fell in love very fast and very hard. She dropped me a few weeks in and wouldn't discuss it, saying she couldn't raise the energy to think about it.
We started to get back together again almost a year later, the day before her first MS attack. Things were iffy for a while it looked like she would have to move countries for her kids but after a couple of bouts of each of us begging the other to give it another try, we finally got back together earlier this year.
The "not being able to raise the energy to think about it" is an MS thing and was the first indication. We have tried being apart and neither of us can cope with that situation. She is still ten times more beautiful and ten times more lovable than anyone else I've ever met.
So I don't have the option of your question as it is written. My heart simply won't let me. But I do understand your concerns. My love can still walk and do everything unaided, but only very slowly, for three or four hours a day.
She will certainly never work again. But I look forward to "carting her around in a wheelchair" when that day comes. At least I'll know where she is! For me, the answer is "a whole lot worse than this". Your girlfriend sounds like she has it fairly mildly. Prognosis is much better for MS diagnosed early in life. We know plenty of other couples through MS groups who have lived with MS for twenty or thirty years and are only now getting to the occasional walking stick stage, after bringing up a family and having a full life.
If your girlfriend can still hold down a full time job then you probably shouldn't be worried about her being in a wheelchair within 10 years.
If you seriously have the option of leaving then get out and let her find someone more into her. If, on the other hand, you find that you simply can't leave her then stop worrying and enjoy your life with her.
It might just be amazing. I certainly do have concerns that I will become more of a caregiver than a partner, due to the physical responsibilities that may inevitably fall to me due to his limitations.
At times, I have doubts as to whether this path is really going to turn out alright for my partner and me. I might not put it so crudely as having visions of "carting him around in a wheelchair," but the worries are there, I think reasonable to have, and I am open in expressing my concerns with him. I tell him that I find the idea of doing all the manual chores in the household in some not-too-distant future terrifying. We talk about possible accommodations from time to time.
That doesn't mean that I don't love him. We all live but one life, and I don't regret my decision. You say it seems "harsh" to cut this off due to an illness, but illness is just like any other potential dealbreaker, and, besides, pity, no matter how slight, is never a good reason to forge ahead in a relationship. People who haven't been through something similar might talk to you about your relationship as if there is a component of valor to it all; this is artificial and a complete non-entity once you're living with your SO day-to-day, checking restaurants ahead of time to make sure they're accessible, building ramps that lead into the house, realizing that you can't put the gallon of milk on the bottom shelf because he can't reach it as easily.
They have been happily married for over a decade. First of all, you should feel honored! If you want to know what you can do to continue to build trust and keep your relationship moving forward, here are some tips from a husband and wife who both live with MS. MS often makes getting ready to go out take waaaaay longer than it should.
Give gifts, not challenges Forget the earrings, necklaces, and ties. Not tipsy If your date stumbles after having one drink, it probably has nothing to do with being a lightweight drinker. Not that you need the early bird dinner discounts, but be open to starting your night earlier in the evening. Such scheduling helps to battle the MS fatigue. Live in the now Shy away from making long-range plans, but if you do, stay flexible. MS is unpredictable and can change within minutes.
Who needs amusement parks? Check before booking a trip to ride the roller coaster, Scrambler, and Tilt-a-Whirl. People who have MS-related vertigo are already spinning on their own. Careful with caressing cheeks and long-lasting kisses Trigeminal neuralgiaaka chronic pain along either cheek, can be caused by MS and can make your magic touch seem more like a flaming torch.
The seat is most likely also the closest to the restroom. Few things make a person with MS more upset than when somebody steps in and essentially prevents them from completing a task on their own.
You have interesting perspectives and experiences as well. Sudden scratching could be a side effect of the disease.
Friend with benefits Such a saying takes on an entirely different meaning the closer your relationship gets to marriage. MS can be an expensive disease to treat, and having health insurance really is a benefit.
The Police circa Several of the MS disease-modifying drugs are injectable medications, so you may be called to assist with administering a shot. Honesty is key Talk about any fears, questions, or concerns you have about MS. Chances are your date has them too. Sharing these conversations makes it feel like you are battling this disease as a team. Teamwork makes the dream work, right?
Ask questions if you are curious or confused about anything related to MS.